Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
