dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
