my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think your dad took our porno
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
