mondays should just be called national damage control day
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
