can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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