Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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