there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
