Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sext me about skeletons
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
