My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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