When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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