how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
