Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
