Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
