She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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