i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
