I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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