So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
