Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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