Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
