I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
