I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
