Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And then he peed in my hair
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