so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
