the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
