im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
