There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
