Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
