Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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