i will never coherently bang her
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
