Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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