shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
