My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
