Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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