If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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