Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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