Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
