Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
