I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
