She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
