Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
