my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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