trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's rum buckets o'clock
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
