i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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