I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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