Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She needs sedatives and a leash
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
