If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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