my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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