My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
