I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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