I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
