So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
