Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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