just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
